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by | May 24, 2018 | Blog, magic, manifesting, witchcraft | 0 comments

The Story of my Why

The one thing I have realized is for anything to flourish in my life, I have to show my true and authentic self. I need to honor my courage and honor my truth.

It’s scary as fuck to open yourself up and show your raw and beautiful self but it’s necessary to share your story if you want to step into the Soul Deep Happy life you desire.

To get into the story of why I became a life coach, we would have to go back 17 years to when I was a 19 year old girl just carving out who I was becoming as a woman. 

It all started with a boy. Doesn’t it always, though??

In the beginning, he made me feel sexy and beautiful- a feeling I hadn’t experienced before. On top of that, he liked how I spoke my mind and didn’t take any shit from him. He challenged me and I liked that at first.

Then things changed.

The more we were together, the more I gave of myself and the more he took and didn’t give back. I believed a relationship was about compromise, doing things for each other, and being loving and vulnerable. Him? Not so much. My compromises soon turned into not standing up for myself. I bent and bent and bent to make sure he was happy while he took and took and broke me down. Thus began a 6 year on and off emotionally abusive relationship that affected how I saw myself as a woman. I vividly remember a moment where I looked in my mirror and thought, “who is this girl? Who is this girl who came from a strong mother, a father who loved her, a stable family, but who was stuck in this relationship that did nothing but tear her down and make her do things she’d never thought she would do before?”  I didn’t know how I’d gotten there. What was the one moment it all changed? Now I realized it was no one thing but a million little comments and looks that made me feel less than.

Then a beautiful thing happened: I decided that I deserved better.

I think it was the Janai I was meant to be who finally reared up in my spirit and said, “Fuck this shit. I don’t need this kind of pain. The feeling like I was an afterthought rather than a priority. The feeling like I didn’t deserve someone who catered to my needs just as much as I catered to his. Fuck. This. Shit.”

That was the end of the relationship but not, I realized, the end of my issues surrounding my confidence, my self worth, where I wanted to be and where I was at that moment. What followed were relationships where I gave all of myself for the hopes of a little bit of love. The men never asked it of me but the one thing I’ve learnt is you attract the type of people who vibrate with your energy at the time. My energy was one of need and low self esteem. It began affecting every other aspect of my life. I hid it well but I was constantly stressed- about money, my love life, trying to figure out what to do with my life and how to get there. 

I remember the exact moment it all got to be too much.

I was working a double shift as a waitress, running around making sure all my tables were perfect while silently worrying about how I was going to pay all my bills that month when this wave of frustration and fear hit me. I ran in to the ladies restroom and straight into the handicap stall where I promptly sat down and started crying. I silently sent up a plea to whichever Gods were listening to help me. I had been looking into paganism and witchcraft for a book series I was writing and it interested me on a soul level. The concept of this nature based faith that taps into the idea of there being gods for everything- every story, emotion. Gods of the sky, the idea of a god and goddess following the cycles of nature and how it relates to us and our journey. That whole concept resonated with me but it wasn’t until I was on that floor in the handicap stall that I actually felt the God and Goddess there with me. I felt the warm beauty and love of the Gods. In that moment I felt the Goddess energy surround me like she was holding me. I felt the God putting his hand on my head and giving me strength. I felt the warmth and absolute love and caring and empathy they had. I felt them answer my plea for help.

I chose to delve further into that spiritual path because I know, by delving into that path, I was finding the way back to my divine self and becoming the woman I wanted to be. That’s what I started to do. I started to learn more about wicca and paganism. I learnt it isn’t evil. It is a beautiful way to make a close connection to the Gods, nature, and the idea that we are all energy and vibration. It led me into learning more about law of attraction and the power I have in creating a life I controlled.

I was no longer a victim.

It got me back to a place where I felt strong and fully supported. To where I felt safe. Whenever I did a ritual asking for guidance from whichever God or Goddess I was working with at the time, I felt my connection with that divine powerful force. It was all for the higher good for myself. It wasn’t to harm anyone. It was using the energy of the earth and the Gods to bring about a positive change in my life. I feel their presence every time and it is a beautiful and holy experience.

Learning how law of attraction works within that realm made me want to help other women who were where I used to be 10-17 years ago. Those women who felt stuck- like their life was on an endless loop of feeling not good enough yet not knowing how to change. Those women who are tired of playing the victim.

Tired of self sabotaging themselves.

Tired of letting their fear of failure or success stop them from stepping into the joyful life they are meant to have. 

Women who want their life to change but don’t have the tools to step out of that mindset and fully realize the magnitude of who they are as a human being: an energy source that chose this life and all the conditions in them. 

I wanted to help those women because finding my way back to my higher self was such a beautiful struggle for me.

It may seem strange to call any struggle beautiful but I can now look back on these years and understand that abusive relationship had to happen for me to find the life I was always meant to live. For me to find my calling and what it means to be of service to others and myself. To understand how magic, spirituality, and creativity play a key role in us finding the joy in our lives.

It was what I had to go through for me to get to where I am today and to write this post. This scary and pure moment in time of me admitting not only that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but that I am pagan and a witch.

It’s a scary moment because, as far as we’ve come in people being open to different faiths and beliefs, there is still a lot of shame, ignorance, and fear surrounding the words pagan, wiccan, and witch. There shouldn’t be because it’s a beautiful and holy practice that continues to help me through my daily life. It led me to the desire to help women who were where I was. I wanted to get them to a point where they have hope in the morning. To where they know the conditions of their life can be changed with a thought.

I wanted to help people take back control of their life and to learn that in taking control of their life there is a certain need to release control.

Not so much need, but a requirement to release control in order to be a co-creator of your reality. It took time for me to learn that and appreciate it and the journey of what that means.

There were times when I had these limiting beliefs constantly swirling in my head like:

  • oh my god, this is so hard. This is so much.
  • It will never get any better than this.
  • I will always struggle.
  • I feel so worthless.
  • I’m so ugly.
  • How will I get out of this.

All of those things that flew through my mind are no more. The idea that I have to apologize and bend so much to get to where I want to be is straight up lies that I was told and saw. I’m so fucking happy that I know that now.

So, there you have it. This is my why.

It’s why I feel such a passion and why I say I’m divinely led here because I was.

I had to write this post as the final step into honoring my truth and being 100% authentic with myself and with others. It’s important for that girl out there who is where I was 17 years ago. Who is feeling lost and unheard and unseen but simultaneously not knowing how to speak up. Knowing there has to be more to this but not knowing how to bring that more into their life.

This is for that pagan girl who feels misunderstood and scared to tell people the path she’s chosen for herself. To be completely honest and honor her truth. This is for that girl.

This is for me.

This is for every girl.

This is for you.

No matter what path you take in this life understand it is leading you to something fantastic.

If you are in an abusive relationship right now, find a way to get out of it. There are so many avenues to get the help you need. If you are able to get out on your own, get out. I was extremely lucky in that I was able to simply say I’m done and the relationship is over and that was it. I didn’t have any massive repercussions where I feared for my life if I chose to leave. If you do have that fear, here are a few ways to get help:

And for my beautiful pagans out there: don’t be afraid to speak your truth and tell everyone! It’s time to end the fear around paganism and witchcraft. If you are pagan, tell people what it is and how it helps you. You have to be the voice of your spiritual path, particularly one like paganism which has been a persecuted belief system for centuries. You have to be the one to let them know how sacred it can be.

If you are interested in educating yourself more on the true history and roots of paganism, BBC did an informative series of articles on the topic. http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/paganism/

For everyone out there struggling to find their way in this world:

Stand strong. Honor your courage. Stand in your truth.

I promise it will take you on such a path of joy and freedom of spirit. Freedom in knowing no matter where you are, you are joyfully present.

I love you all.

Sending love and magic your way,

Janai

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